Doesn’t define Me

Doesn’t define Me

This time in my life is so hard
I am struggling with my mental health
I pray, I fast, I been having a lot of alone time with my thoughts

I been struggling with opening up to people
When you look at me I look β€œnormal” but I am not
Far from it.
I have my own demons I struggle with everyday.
I battle self esteem, the lack of affection, my religion, my emotions
My fears, my hopes and dreams.

This lockdown has shown me my mental state.
I have been crying more, angry, fighting depression, staying in bed most of the day, up all night.
I find myself hating the day, or waking up loving it.
I find myself hating the way I look or putting on something sexy.
I either take a walk or take a shower crying.

I either call a friend or a former lover
I want to call my pastor but I don’t know what to say.
I spend time with my kids but then I want to be left alone.
They fight because they can’t go to the movies, to the mall, or even the store.
Im then mad because they are mad.

Then I get mad again because I think about how my love life have turned out, so then I take it out on everyone around me
I become mean to my kids
Distant to my roommates
Screen my calls

Writing out my feelings and connecting to my readers makes me feel more grounded
I still pray, I try everyday to open up to more people.

I try not to be so hard on myself, I am human, I bleed, I get weak
I am telling myself my mental state doesn’t define me today.


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