Broken

Broken:
adjective
1.
having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order.
2.
(of a person) having given up all hope; despairing.
https://www.dictionary.com/browse/broken

I’m broken, I push men away, I shut them out. I have a hard time letting people in. When they try to be in my life, I show them they shouldn’t.

Ray wants to be in my life, to give me his friendship, I fight with him, I tell him I’m not worth the time. I am mean, I hurt his feelings. I push him away. He knows I need a friend that will love me for me, he loves my flaws and sees my tears. He still wants to be a part of my life.

I close my heart to anyone who wants to get in. I don’t like letting people in, I don’t like depending on people. When I lean on people I lean hard, they don’t like it. So, then I push them away.
My girls are different, they understand me because they have the same struggles, they know when I don’t text them back I need some time to myself and they text me saying I am here when you need me.

Men are different
If I don’t text them right back they throw me away
I can’t get a day or two to think?
No
They like screw you.

So I push them away.

Men don’t want me because I am messed up in the head

Having no male example in my life will do that.
I have had to learn from my husbands, and well, most of us know how that turned out…

I had a meeting with this man for my research piece on “Addictions for a Black Man”. He shared with me that women close themselves off to see how hard that man will work to break down that wall.
Okay……??
How is that a bad thing?

He said if I put that same wall we put up would I work to break it down?

Damn

That hit a nerve

I said it’s not our job to do that.
He said why not, you don’t think we hurt? Are we not hurting? We don’t want to get our heart broken too?

I didn’t see it like that.
Women build walls, then expect the man who wants her to tear them down.
I am that woman.
I can’t help it, I’ve been hurt so the only way to protect myself is block them out.
It’s not their job to tear the wall down, it’s mine
I know this
But I still expect them to.
Is that wrong of me?

I don’t want to hurt Ray, he is trying, I don’t want to be mean, I told him I am trying, don’t push my friendship away, but, men always leave me.

See, broken.

DiaryofDom

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DiaryofDom

Dominique is a outgoing person who loves life, and learning about it everyday. As a part time writer, she loves all genres of books, doing research, and loves to cook. Her many addictions would be coffee, wine, chocolate, and tattoos. In her website she talks about many topics from, fashion, relationships, love, sex, religion, food, and many more. Let's become friends to learn more about her!

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