I’m broken, I push men away, I shut them out. I have a hard time letting people in. When they try to be in my life, I show them they shouldn’t.
Ray wants to be in my life, to give me his friendship, I fight with him, I tell him I’m not worth the time. I am mean, I hurt his feelings. I push him away. He knows I need a friend that will love me for me, he loves my flaws and sees my tears. He still wants to be a part of my life.
I close my heart to anyone who wants to get in. I don’t like letting people in, I don’t like depending on people. When I lean on people I lean hard, they don’t like it. So, then I push them away.
My girls are different, they understand me because they have the same struggles, they know when I don’t text them back I need some time to myself and they text me saying I am here when you need me.
Men are different
If I don’t text them right back they throw me away
I can’t get a day or two to think?
They like screw you.
So I push them away.
Men don’t want me because I am messed up in the head
Having no male example in my life will do that.
I have had to learn from my husbands, and well, most of us know how that turned out…
I had a meeting with this man for my research piece on “Addictions for a Black Man”. He shared with me that women close themselves off to see how hard that man will work to break down that wall.
How is that a bad thing?
He said if I put that same wall we put up would I work to break it down?
That hit a nerve
I said it’s not our job to do that.
He said why not, you don’t think we hurt? Are we not hurting? We don’t want to get our heart broken too?
I didn’t see it like that.
Women build walls, then expect the man who wants her to tear them down.
I am that woman.
I can’t help it, I’ve been hurt so the only way to protect myself is block them out.
It’s not their job to tear the wall down, it’s mine
I know this
But I still expect them to.
Is that wrong of me?
I don’t want to hurt Ray, he is trying, I don’t want to be mean, I told him I am trying, don’t push my friendship away, but, men always leave me.