I cried today
Most days I do
Sometimes I would send my sons outside just so I can cry in peace
Or I take a long walk
So I can let it all go
Then wash my face
Then take ten minutes to let the puffy eyes go away, red eyes to fade
I understand crying is healthy
I have heard that millions of times
But, the way I grew up I had to be strong
Emotions are weak
I was instilled that no man would want a weak woman
What if she is only weak because of a broken heart?
I have to be so strong for so many people
But who is strong for me?
Sometimes I need to lean on people
I need a listening ear
A soft shoulder
A warm hug
Being a mother is challenging most times
Being in my 30s is hard
Being a christian is hard
Being someones’ wife is a shit show
Being me is hard
Black people don’t go see a therapist because it’s a unspoken rule
We have a strong drink
Have some soul food at grandmas’ house
All better right?
As a person who isn’t a hard drinker
Not having sex
What do I do in my case?
My childhood was a very difficult one
Most of my mental and emotional instability comes from that
Then having a broken heart
I have fought depression because of it
I have to learn how to love myself again
I have to learn that I am not perfect and I will make mistakes
I won’t be able to please everyone.
Trying to keep up with the world is so stressful
If I make two steps the world pushes me back five
I feel like I can never get ahead
I have to hold myself and my sons up
I have to support them
I have to protect my fellow black men now too
I have to make sure they can be the best kings they can be
But, who supports me?
I hide in the bed on my days off to hide from the world
From being a disappointment to someone
From feeling not enough
Who is going to help me fight my demons?
Who is going to tell me I am not useless?
Or feeling like I am enough?
Today I cried because it was a hard day for me
Today I cried because I wasn’t feeling okay
Today I cried because I didn’t feel enough
But, I will try again tomorrow.