Mental Awareness for Women Part two

I cried today
Most days I do
Sometimes I would send my sons outside just so I can cry in peace
Or I take a long walk
So I can let it all go
Then wash my face
Then take ten minutes to let the puffy eyes go away, red eyes to fade
I understand crying is healthy
I have heard that millions of times
But, the way I grew up I had to be strong
Emotions are weak
I was instilled that no man would want a weak woman
What if she is only weak because of a broken heart?

I have to be so strong for so many people
But who is strong for me?
Sometimes I need to lean on people
I need a listening ear
A soft shoulder
A warm hug

Being a mother is challenging most times
Being in my 30s is hard
Being a christian is hard
Being someones’ wife is a shit show
Being me is hard

Black people don’t go see a therapist because it’s a unspoken rule
We have a strong drink
Get laid
Have some soul food at grandmas’ house
All better right?

As a person who isn’t a hard drinker
Not having sex
No grandparents
What do I do in my case?

My childhood was a very difficult one
Most of my mental and emotional instability comes from that
Then having a broken heart
I have fought depression because of it
I have to learn how to love myself again
I have to learn that I am not perfect and I will make mistakes
I won’t be able to please everyone.

Trying to keep up with the world is so stressful
If I make two steps the world pushes me back five
I feel like I can never get ahead
I have to hold myself and my sons up
I have to support them
I have to protect my fellow black men now too
I have to make sure they can be the best kings they can be
But, who supports me?

I hide in the bed on my days off to hide from the world
From myself
From being a disappointment to someone
From feeling not enough
Or useless

Who is going to help me fight my demons?
Who is going to tell me I am not useless?
Or feeling like I am enough?

Today I cried because it was a hard day for me
Today I cried because I wasn’t feeling okay
Today I cried because I didn’t feel enough
But, I will try again tomorrow.

DiaryofDom

Mental Awareness for Women Part One

This is something that has been on my mind for the longest.
I feel like this is a battle that black women, all women but mostly for the black women.
I know being a woman is the hardest thing that we do.
Being a black woman is the toughest thing I have to go thru
I am constantly being judged
Belittled
Told I am not enough
Feeling like I can never do anything
The world hates my skin
But loves what’s between my legs
The world doesn’t care about my heart
But loves our type of cooking

I am always fighting with demons
Telling me that I am ugly
My hair is nappy
I’m fat
My dreams won’t manifest
That I am a failure
That I am weak

We fight with ourselves so much that we can’t hear the good talking to us
Those little voices telling us we can do it
If we push a little more we can make it

We fight depression
Self love
Self worth

They say we are suppose to look a certain way to be accepted
Which is??
Why can’t my afro look like a tree?
Why do I have to shave my armpits?
Why do I have to talk a certain way?

It’s so hard to be a woman
It’s even harder to be a black woman

For me, I fight that I will be enough
I fight with my own self love
I fight that I become successful enough where I don’t have to live check to check

I want to stop telling myself I want make it to corporate because I am a woman
I won’t make it because I am a black woman
I fight with telling myself I am not strong enough for this world
My skin isn’t thick enough
My vocabulary isn’t big enough
My voice isn’t going to be heard

I beat myself up that I didn’t get my degrees sooner
That I should have waited to get married
That I should have been heavier in church

People need to understand mental stability is the number killer for woman
Women are at least twice as likely to experience an episode of major depression as men, Richards reports. And, compared to their Caucasian counterparts, African-American women are only half as likely to seek help.

We have a million things to think about everyday
Kids
Groceries
Money
Home
Car
Doctor appts
The world isn’t kind to us at all
Men aren’t kind to us
Women hate us because they want to be us

I have cared for so many people in my life, I forgot to care about myself
I have been fighting so many other people’s demon’s I forgot to fight my own
I care about other people’s mental state that I forget my own
I can’t remember the last time someone asked me how am I truly doing
I forgot how to truly smile for myself when I been smiling for other people for so long

Every week I ask myself, how am I feeling today?
I need to check my own self from time to time
I need to make sure I am okay
I want to smile and not feel pain
Remember, we fight battles no one ones about, every minute of everyday.

DiaryofDom

Effort

Everything you do you should be putting effort in
Why wouldn’t you?
Don’t you put effort into your job?
Finances?
Friendships?
Relationships?

When you want something to be great, we put effort into it.
When I want to try a new recipe then I make sure I put effort into it so it tastes good.
I got a new job title and I make sure I put my best effort into it so I do a great job
I got new shoes and I put effort into keeping them clean
We are not going to get very far without putting effort into our lives

I like to have people in my life who put effort into the things in their life
A new hobby?
New business plan?
You met a new friend that you think the friendship can grow?
Put effort into it!
New boo?
Effort into that!

When you sit around and not investing into anything you will get lazy
Comfortable
Complacent
Fight against routine
Make goals and beat those

I would love to see more relationships make it
They don’t because it’s usually someone who doesn’t put enough effort into it.
I would love to see more businesses make it but again they don’t put that extra effort into it
Many friendships don’t last because the effort wasn’t there to help save it.

Many people give up on that thing that drives them and they become miserable
Are you one of those people?

When you fall in love you make time for that person
You spend money on dates
Lose sleep staying up all night talking to that person
Make plans to see that person
That’s putting in effort right?

Doesn’t take much to put in that effort, just a little push
Call him or her
Go on that long over due date
Tell them you love them
Buy that gift
Cook him his favorite meal
Tell that boss you want a raise
Upgrade your car
Rub her feet after she gets off work
Take up that piano lesson

Don’t get lazy
It’s really the worst thing you can do.

Put in that effort before it becomes too late

DiaryofDom

Consistent

adjective:
agreeing or accordant; compatible; not self-contradictory:
His views and actions are consistent.
constantly adhering to the same principles, course, form, etc.:
a consistent opponent.
holding firmly together; cohering.

Nothing in life is consistent. I wish it was.
Really I wish.
Jobs are not consistent
Cars
Friends
Relationships

I am a type of person who doesn’t like change.
Unless I change them myself
I have a hard time when I can’t have a control over things
When things change I really try my hardest to understand that
I like to know why its changing
Is it for the better?

I had a friend tell me she is involved with this man, everything was going good
Showing her attention, giving her his time, loyalty, and affection
Then slowly things changed
He doesn’t hold her hand much anymore
He’s not telling her how beautiful she is
He doesn’t take her on dates
He doesn’t buy her gifts
She even told him things are different
He don’t see
Or don’t care

Things like that happen but it shouldn’t stay like that
He should change for the better
I understand life happens but things like that I have a hard time understanding
I know I try not to change
I like to still hold hands
I like to cook for my mate
I still like to dress up and look sexy for dates

I understand people change, but again, you should be changing for the better

I understand that chemistry changes, the affection changes, and ideas change
But acting like nothing happened is unbelievable.

When you first getting to know someone, you make time for them, you plan dates
You have to work but when you get off you visit that person, if you don’t you call them
When you date that person you want to do things with them all the time
Why does that end up changing?
I would want those things to get better, call me all the time, spend time with me, let’s go on better dates
I want to stay up all night talking on the phone, tell me how beautiful I am.
Life is never consistent but relationships should be, am I wrong?

Since I have been doing tons of networking, I have been asked to give my opinion on this
I wanted to write about how this happens and why
To be honest, I have no freaking idea why!
This is why I have had two husbands, because of the inconsistency.
Women only follow what men do.
The only thing I can say is, men, if you don’t want us to change then you don’t change.

DiaryofDom

Letter to Him

I want to love you
I really do
I can not
I hate that I love you
You made me think I could be different
That I could be the one for you
I hate that I couldn’t be enough for you
My love wasn’t enough
My time wasn’t enough
I gave you my childrens’ heart
I gave you my heart
I wanted to be everything to you, I wanted to be everything for you
I changed my hair for you, I changed my friends for you, I changed myself for you
I cried for you, I cried with you, I cried on you
I also cried because of you
I lifted you and your dreams up, and became your personal cheerleader
I wanted to be your sun, moon, and stars
I wanted to be your light
I wanted to be submissive
I wanted to be obedient to you
I wanted my body, my heart, my smile, my love to be enough for you

Now, I walk around telling myself that I will never love again
I tell myself I will never be good enough for anyone
I tried everything to make you happy
Cooked all your favorite foods
Cleaned for you
I carried your children
When I was weak I still became the strong one for you
I was the one who told you do start your business
I was the one pushing you to reach your talents
I took you back time and time again
You broke my heart so many times but I still made love to you when you wanted it
I let you kiss my lips after you told me a lie
I smiled in pictures even when I cried at night
I told you I loved you even when the love was long gone
I dressed up and still wanted to look good, because you looked good

Other men wanted me and I said no because I made a vow to you
Did you do the same for me?
I didn’t look at other men with lust out of respect for our marriage
Did you do the same for me with those woman?
I found out you had a baby before we had kids together, I thought my life was over
I thought I could never look at you the same
Or trust you the same
I opened my legs and heart to give you the daughter you always wanted
I know that’s why you broke, left me, because I couldn’t give the little girl
I would dream how she would look
Toasted brown skin
Big eyes like yours
Afro curly hair like mine

Just another reason why I couldn’t be the wife you wanted me to be
I was so young, I never seen what it took to be a great wife
I am broken, washed up, used and then thrown away
I don’t know how to be the wife you need me to be.
I need to learn to love myself
I can’t love you until then
I can’t get hurt again, I don’t have anything left in me

Thank you for the two little boys you gave me, for the memories we did create, thank you for the love you did show to this broken little girl, thank you for the fun times we had together, the love making we did share. Thank you for being there by my side when I hit some high stones in my life. Thank you for the laughs we did have.

This is my letter to my two husbands
This is my letter to those beautiful men that changed my life.

DiaryofDom