Metamorphosis

Noun:
(in an insect or amphibian) the process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct stages.
a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.

She is forever changing
She is not the same girl
I’m glad she is changing
Her strength
Her bravery
Her future is bright
She is unstoppable

She is a unique person
Her soul is pure
Her smile is genuine
Her mind is exquisite
Her body is different

She is shedding her old self to become reborn
She is cleaning all the broken and worn down things in her life
Everything that is toxic
Things that do not make her smile everyday
All the hurt she has carried
All the bitterness that she holds

She will no longer be holding on to sadness
Animosity
Jealousy
She will no longer be that girl who lived in fear
Who lived always looking over her shoulder
Who felt like she wasn’t good enough
Her broken heart is healing
The little pieces she thought couldn’t be fixed is repairable
No person
Place
Or thing will tell her what she can or can not do with her power
She will not be defined by a husband, boyfriend, because those things are no longer important
No man will tear her down and belittle her existence
She will no longer look to men for validation
She will dress how she wants
She will do her hair that she feels looks good
She will no longer let her self esteem hunt her

She answers to no one
She is free from all rules that anyone puts on her
She is in self control
She tells life where she wants to go
She goes where so wants to and shows up when she is ready
Her style is defined on what she wants to show you not by what someone likes her in
Her voice will be used when she wants you to hear her not when you tell her to speak
She is changing into someone she wants you to see

The old her, has played the same song and dance and now her new self will rise and be free
Her new self is stronger
Vigilant
Bold
Sexy
Relentless

She is a badass because she is making herself a badass
Her life, her rules, and no one is going to question her
The old her was a butterfly
Now, something still beautiful, but still uncompleted, she is more like a dragonfly
Her change isn’t done

Not yet.

DiaryofDom

Pleasing

“People pleasers try to nourish other people without adequately nourishing themselves. We all know the line they say on airplanes, it’s become cliche: before helping anyone else put on their oxygen mask, put on your own. But this is as true in our emotional lives as it is in airplane safety. When we try to help others without actually being supportive of ourselves, we all end up running out of oxygen”.

How Does People Pleasing Negatively Affect Your Mental Health?

 

I try to please everyone
I try hard to make people happy
I don’t like when people are disappointed in me

People have no problem being mad at me
Or disappointing me
Or letting me down

I feel like it’s always my fault
I blame myself
I beat myself up about it
I will own up to my faults
I will apologize
I make amends

Who makes me happy?
Who tries to please me?
Who tries to not make me upset?

I work hard at being a good friend
Sister
Mother
Lover
Daughter

Who is going to do that for me?

If I am upset I keep it to myself
If I need to cry I do it alone
If I am frustrated then I hide it
If you hurt me I say sorry
If you are mean, I tell you it’s my fault

My roommates said some hurtful things to me, I felt like they ganged up on me
It was a situation that was out of my control
They said I was selfish
Inconsiderate
I have never been called those names in my adult years
I ended up telling them I am sorry
That I will do better
I am fixing the problem I didn’t create

I cried to them
I cried alone
I didn’t want them mad at me, I didn’t want to let them down
I try to be whatever people need me to be, but people don’t do the same for me.
I don’t ask much from people, I don’t ask my roommates for anything
They don’t ask me if I’m okay today or if I need anything
I stay to myself
In my own little world
Being a mother
At work
In my room
In my bed
Always writing
Reading
Crying

I don’t like letting people down
I always try to be the person they need me to be
Even if it makes me uncomfortable
I try to be the person who gave you a smile
A laugh
A shoulder
Listening ear

It’s a good quality to have as a person right?
I bend myself for people but do people do the same?

I’m always going to be a pleaser
It’s one of my greatest qualities
But when is enough, enough?

 

DiaryofDom

Mental Awareness for Women Part two

I cried today
Most days I do
Sometimes I would send my sons outside just so I can cry in peace
Or I take a long walk
So I can let it all go
Then wash my face
Then take ten minutes to let the puffy eyes go away, red eyes to fade
I understand crying is healthy
I have heard that millions of times
But, the way I grew up I had to be strong
Emotions are weak
I was instilled that no man would want a weak woman
What if she is only weak because of a broken heart?

I have to be so strong for so many people
But who is strong for me?
Sometimes I need to lean on people
I need a listening ear
A soft shoulder
A warm hug

Being a mother is challenging most times
Being in my 30s is hard
Being a christian is hard
Being someones’ wife is a shit show
Being me is hard

Black people don’t go see a therapist because it’s a unspoken rule
We have a strong drink
Get laid
Have some soul food at grandmas’ house
All better right?

As a person who isn’t a hard drinker
Not having sex
No grandparents
What do I do in my case?

My childhood was a very difficult one
Most of my mental and emotional instability comes from that
Then having a broken heart
I have fought depression because of it
I have to learn how to love myself again
I have to learn that I am not perfect and I will make mistakes
I won’t be able to please everyone.

Trying to keep up with the world is so stressful
If I make two steps the world pushes me back five
I feel like I can never get ahead
I have to hold myself and my sons up
I have to support them
I have to protect my fellow black men now too
I have to make sure they can be the best kings they can be
But, who supports me?

I hide in the bed on my days off to hide from the world
From myself
From being a disappointment to someone
From feeling not enough
Or useless

Who is going to help me fight my demons?
Who is going to tell me I am not useless?
Or feeling like I am enough?

Today I cried because it was a hard day for me
Today I cried because I wasn’t feeling okay
Today I cried because I didn’t feel enough
But, I will try again tomorrow.

DiaryofDom

Mental Awareness for Women Part One

This is something that has been on my mind for the longest.
I feel like this is a battle that black women, all women but mostly for the black women.
I know being a woman is the hardest thing that we do.
Being a black woman is the toughest thing I have to go thru
I am constantly being judged
Belittled
Told I am not enough
Feeling like I can never do anything
The world hates my skin
But loves what’s between my legs
The world doesn’t care about my heart
But loves our type of cooking

I am always fighting with demons
Telling me that I am ugly
My hair is nappy
I’m fat
My dreams won’t manifest
That I am a failure
That I am weak

We fight with ourselves so much that we can’t hear the good talking to us
Those little voices telling us we can do it
If we push a little more we can make it

We fight depression
Self love
Self worth

They say we are suppose to look a certain way to be accepted
Which is??
Why can’t my afro look like a tree?
Why do I have to shave my armpits?
Why do I have to talk a certain way?

It’s so hard to be a woman
It’s even harder to be a black woman

For me, I fight that I will be enough
I fight with my own self love
I fight that I become successful enough where I don’t have to live check to check

I want to stop telling myself I want make it to corporate because I am a woman
I won’t make it because I am a black woman
I fight with telling myself I am not strong enough for this world
My skin isn’t thick enough
My vocabulary isn’t big enough
My voice isn’t going to be heard

I beat myself up that I didn’t get my degrees sooner
That I should have waited to get married
That I should have been heavier in church

People need to understand mental stability is the number killer for woman
Women are at least twice as likely to experience an episode of major depression as men, Richards reports. And, compared to their Caucasian counterparts, African-American women are only half as likely to seek help.

We have a million things to think about everyday
Kids
Groceries
Money
Home
Car
Doctor appts
The world isn’t kind to us at all
Men aren’t kind to us
Women hate us because they want to be us

I have cared for so many people in my life, I forgot to care about myself
I have been fighting so many other people’s demon’s I forgot to fight my own
I care about other people’s mental state that I forget my own
I can’t remember the last time someone asked me how am I truly doing
I forgot how to truly smile for myself when I been smiling for other people for so long

Every week I ask myself, how am I feeling today?
I need to check my own self from time to time
I need to make sure I am okay
I want to smile and not feel pain
Remember, we fight battles no one ones about, every minute of everyday.

DiaryofDom

Effort

Everything you do you should be putting effort in
Why wouldn’t you?
Don’t you put effort into your job?
Finances?
Friendships?
Relationships?

When you want something to be great, we put effort into it.
When I want to try a new recipe then I make sure I put effort into it so it tastes good.
I got a new job title and I make sure I put my best effort into it so I do a great job
I got new shoes and I put effort into keeping them clean
We are not going to get very far without putting effort into our lives

I like to have people in my life who put effort into the things in their life
A new hobby?
New business plan?
You met a new friend that you think the friendship can grow?
Put effort into it!
New boo?
Effort into that!

When you sit around and not investing into anything you will get lazy
Comfortable
Complacent
Fight against routine
Make goals and beat those

I would love to see more relationships make it
They don’t because it’s usually someone who doesn’t put enough effort into it.
I would love to see more businesses make it but again they don’t put that extra effort into it
Many friendships don’t last because the effort wasn’t there to help save it.

Many people give up on that thing that drives them and they become miserable
Are you one of those people?

When you fall in love you make time for that person
You spend money on dates
Lose sleep staying up all night talking to that person
Make plans to see that person
That’s putting in effort right?

Doesn’t take much to put in that effort, just a little push
Call him or her
Go on that long over due date
Tell them you love them
Buy that gift
Cook him his favorite meal
Tell that boss you want a raise
Upgrade your car
Rub her feet after she gets off work
Take up that piano lesson

Don’t get lazy
It’s really the worst thing you can do.

Put in that effort before it becomes too late

DiaryofDom