He wants me, he wants me, not yet

Her heart beats so fast when he looks at her
She doesn’t just see lust, there is something else there
She can’t look away, she doesn’t want to either
He tells her he doesn’t know what is his favorite part on her body
Her brain
Her feet
Her eyes
Her smile

He touches her so softy and yet with a firmness she has never felt before
She is intoxicated with it
He likes to rub on the back of her neck, under her hairline, behind her ears
One handed
He rubs her there while watching tv, like his hand belongs there
Like he know she likes it, even though she has never told him

He loves rubbing her feet, playing with her toes, telling her how cute her nail polish looks
She has a scar on her right foot where she had to get work done on her big toe
He loves to stare at it
He loves to rub that scar
He loves to kiss it and tell her she has the most beautiful feet he has ever seen

When she is falls asleep, she can hear him saying how much he looks up to her
How she is so strong after being hurt
How she is so brave
She can feel his eyes on her, smiling, she can feel the lust, the love, the admiration
His hand rubs her side, up and down her arm, on the top of her shoulder
She can hear him say she is the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on.

She has to close her heart to anyone who comes close because she is afraid of getting hurt
She wants to be loved again but knows it takes time and healing.
There is a little light at the end of her tunnel.
She doesn’t walk towards it but she does stand there and feel the warmth that comes from it.

He wants her but he knows she is broken, hurt and in need of time to heal.
He sees her flaws and loves them
He sees she needs a listening ear and a shoulder, he won’t push her
She sees she is wanted but needs time
She sees he wants her but won’t get her, yet.

DiaryofDom

Toxic

Adjective: Poisonous

I was told I was ” target=”_blank”>toxic
I didn’t know how to take this word when I first heard it
toxic is a bad thing and no one wants it
Right?

No one wants it
Or no one wants me

There is no way toxic can be something good
No one wants something that is toxic
No one wants a friend that is toxic
Or relationship
Or job

My thoughts are toxic
My moods are toxic
My attitudes are toxic

I want to be different
I want to be someone who brings joy in your life
I want to be someone who brings a smile to your face

I have been told I am hard to love
Hard to love?
I have never heard that before
I always thought I was a uncomplicated woman
I wanted simple things in life
I want to be simply loved
How is that hard to understand?

Am I hard to love because I wanted loyalty? Or someone who is trustworthy?
Or what about someone to show me time and affection?
Does that sound like someone who is hard to love?

So now I am toxic and hard to love
Women are simple yet complex creators.
I am a simple yet complex woman
I don’t want you to build me a rocket ship and fly me to the moon
Hell, I don’t even ask you to make me a sandwich!
Give me your time, loyalty, honesty, and patience.

I am toxic because I guess I am asking for too much.

DiaryofDom

My thoughts

All I know is to be a wife.
I have been married since I was 19.
I have had a husband all my life.

I have never truly been alone
Or been on my own
I have never truly dated because I dated to get married
My last husband we dated for over three years before we got married
In that 6 months I was doing everything a wife would do.

I never gave myself time to heal after my first husband
I should have waited
Now I’m not with my second husband
So I need to heal

I was taught at a young age to become a man’s wife, have his children
Make him happy
Cook his food
Clean the house

Nothing in that said fall in love first

It’s hard to truly love a man when you don’t have a father to be your first love
It’s hard to love a man when he truly doesn’t love you

Someone told me I use my husbands as a replacement for the love I never gotten from a father

Ouch

But it’s true
Oh so true.

I gave them a role they shouldn’t have to have
They shouldn’t have to do it.

Someone also said to me that I pick men because they have mommy issues

Didn’t see it that way
They found me because I wanted to be a wife and I found them so I can do things for them.

Wow so messed up.

Who were the lucky ones here?

Diaryofdom

Compromise too much?

Compromise:
noun
an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.
2. Accept standards that are lower than is desirable.

I, Dom, have compromised so much in my life, I have forgotten who I am.

In relationships
In my religion
In friendships
In my career/work
I have always put “that, him, her, this” before my own.

I try to fit into everyone’s way of life and thinking, that I have no voice of my own
No thought of my own
No ideas that are mine
I understand that compromising is a part of life in most things
I am fully aware
But…
When I start to lose my sense of self, the things that make me: me, the things that add to my personality, then I have compromised too much.

I have always bent the rules when it comes to religion
Compromising with God!?
Yeah, it’s wrong.

I had a friendship many moons ago that had given up because I didn’t want to live the type of lifestyle she had. I was already doing what she was doing, dressing the way she dresses and talked the way she talked
I wanted something different
She didn’t
Friendship ended
I had compromised years with her, she didn’t for me.

I knew I shouldn’t have taken that job that I would hate and the pay was low
I did anyways, a job is a job right??
Five years I gave my blood, sweat and tears
A little of my sanity went with it.

Great going Dom

Relationships
Lord, knows this is a book waiting to be finished.
We all have compromised our self for our mate
Of course you have
I have
I have always been more attracted to darker, plump, tall men
Neither one of my husbands are those
Said I would never kiss a smoker
Did that
I was shocked I didn’t mind at all
I have fried, dyed, cut, my hair for my man more times then a girl should
I have given up my favorite foods because he don’t like them
Cut friends off because he didn’t like them
I always said I would never give my man another chance after he cheated
Two husbands later….

Five damn times…

I said I would never give so much of myself that I would lose who I really am.

Let’s just say all I really know about myself at this point is that I like wine, chocolate, books, and coffee.
And that I am never compromising shit else.

DiaryofDom

Broken

Broken:
adjective
1.
having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order.
2.
(of a person) having given up all hope; despairing.
https://www.dictionary.com/browse/broken

I’m broken, I push men away, I shut them out. I have a hard time letting people in. When they try to be in my life, I show them they shouldn’t.

Ray wants to be in my life, to give me his friendship, I fight with him, I tell him I’m not worth the time. I am mean, I hurt his feelings. I push him away. He knows I need a friend that will love me for me, he loves my flaws and sees my tears. He still wants to be a part of my life.

I close my heart to anyone who wants to get in. I don’t like letting people in, I don’t like depending on people. When I lean on people I lean hard, they don’t like it. So, then I push them away.
My girls are different, they understand me because they have the same struggles, they know when I don’t text them back I need some time to myself and they text me saying I am here when you need me.

Men are different
If I don’t text them right back they throw me away
I can’t get a day or two to think?
No
They like screw you.

So I push them away.

Men don’t want me because I am messed up in the head

Having no male example in my life will do that.
I have had to learn from my husbands, and well, most of us know how that turned out…

I had a meeting with this man for my research piece on “Addictions for a Black Man”. He shared with me that women close themselves off to see how hard that man will work to break down that wall.
Okay……??
How is that a bad thing?

He said if I put that same wall we put up would I work to break it down?

Damn

That hit a nerve

I said it’s not our job to do that.
He said why not, you don’t think we hurt? Are we not hurting? We don’t want to get our heart broken too?

I didn’t see it like that.
Women build walls, then expect the man who wants her to tear them down.
I am that woman.
I can’t help it, I’ve been hurt so the only way to protect myself is block them out.
It’s not their job to tear the wall down, it’s mine
I know this
But I still expect them to.
Is that wrong of me?

I don’t want to hurt Ray, he is trying, I don’t want to be mean, I told him I am trying, don’t push my friendship away, but, men always leave me.

See, broken.

DiaryofDom