Pleasing

“People pleasers try to nourish other people without adequately nourishing themselves. We all know the line they say on airplanes, it’s become cliche: before helping anyone else put on their oxygen mask, put on your own. But this is as true in our emotional lives as it is in airplane safety. When we try to help others without actually being supportive of ourselves, we all end up running out of oxygen”. How Does People Pleasing Negatively Affect Your Mental Health?   I try to please everyone I try hard to make people happy I don’t like when people are disappointed in me People have no problem being mad at me Or disappointing me Or letting me down I feel like it’s always my fault I blame myself I beat myself up about it I will own up to my faults I will apologize I make amends Who makes me happy? Who tries to please me? Who tries to not make me upset? I work hard at being a good friend Sister Mother Lover Daughter Who is going to do that for me? If I am upset I keep it to myself If I need to cry I do it alone If I am frustrated then I hide it If you hurt me I say sorry If you are mean, I tell you it’s my fault My roommates said some hurtful things to me, I felt like they ganged up on me It was a situation that was out of my control They said I was selfish Inconsiderate I have never been called those names in my adult years I ended up telling them I am sorry That I will do better I am fixing the problem I didn’t create I cried to them I cried alone I didn’t want them mad at me, I didn’t want to let them down I try to be whatever people need me to be, but people don’t do the same for me. I don’t ask much from people, I don’t ask my roommates for anything They don’t ask me if I’m okay today or if I need anything I stay to myself In my own little world Being a mother At work In my room In my bed Always writing Reading Crying I don’t like letting people down I always try to be the person they need me to be Even if it makes me uncomfortable I try to be the person who gave you a smile A laugh A shoulder Listening ear It’s a good quality to have as a person right? I bend myself for people but do people do the same? I’m always going to be a pleaser It’s one of my greatest qualities But when is enough, enough?   DiaryofDom

Mental Awareness for Women Part two

I cried today Most days I do Sometimes I would send my sons outside just so I can cry in peace Or I take a long walk So I can let it all go Then wash my face Then take ten minutes to let the puffy eyes go away, red eyes to fade I understand crying is healthy I have heard that millions of times But, the way I grew up I had to be strong Emotions are weak I was instilled that no man would want a weak woman What if she is only weak because of a broken heart? I have to be so strong for so many people But who is strong for me? Sometimes I need to lean on people I need a listening ear A soft shoulder A warm hug Being a mother is challenging most times Being in my 30s is hard Being a christian is hard Being someones’ wife is a shit show Being me is hard Black people don’t go see a therapist because it’s a unspoken rule We have a strong drink Get laid Have some soul food at grandmas’ house All better right? As a person who isn’t a hard drinker Not having sex No grandparents What do I do in my case? My childhood was a very difficult one Most of my mental and emotional instability comes from that Then having a broken heart I have fought depression because of it I have to learn how to love myself again I have to learn that I am not perfect and I will make mistakes I won’t be able to please everyone. Trying to keep up with the world is so stressful If I make two steps the world pushes me back five I feel like I can never get ahead I have to hold myself and my sons up I have to support them I have to protect my fellow black men now too I have to make sure they can be the best kings they can be But, who supports me? I hide in the bed on my days off to hide from the world From myself From being a disappointment to someone From feeling not enough Or useless Who is going to help me fight my demons? Who is going to tell me I am not useless? Or feeling like I am enough? Today I cried because it was a hard day for me Today I cried because I wasn’t feeling okay Today I cried because I didn’t feel enough But, I will try again tomorrow. DiaryofDom

Effort

Everything you do you should be putting effort in Why wouldn’t you? Don’t you put effort into your job? Finances? Friendships? Relationships? When you want something to be great, we put effort into it. When I want to try a new recipe then I make sure I put effort into it so it tastes good. I got a new job title and I make sure I put my best effort into it so I do a great job I got new shoes and I put effort into keeping them clean We are not going to get very far without putting effort into our lives I like to have people in my life who put effort into the things in their life A new hobby? New business plan? You met a new friend that you think the friendship can grow? Put effort into it! New boo? Effort into that! When you sit around and not investing into anything you will get lazy Comfortable Complacent Fight against routine Make goals and beat those I would love to see more relationships make it They don’t because it’s usually someone who doesn’t put enough effort into it. I would love to see more businesses make it but again they don’t put that extra effort into it Many friendships don’t last because the effort wasn’t there to help save it. Many people give up on that thing that drives them and they become miserable Are you one of those people? When you fall in love you make time for that person You spend money on dates Lose sleep staying up all night talking to that person Make plans to see that person That’s putting in effort right? Doesn’t take much to put in that effort, just a little push Call him or her Go on that long over due date Tell them you love them Buy that gift Cook him his favorite meal Tell that boss you want a raise Upgrade your car Rub her feet after she gets off work Take up that piano lesson Don’t get lazy It’s really the worst thing you can do. Put in that effort before it becomes too late DiaryofDom

Consistent

adjective: agreeing or accordant; compatible; not self-contradictory: His views and actions are consistent. constantly adhering to the same principles, course, form, etc.: a consistent opponent. holding firmly together; cohering. Nothing in life is consistent. I wish it was. Really I wish. Jobs are not consistent Cars Friends Relationships I am a type of person who doesn’t like change. Unless I change them myself I have a hard time when I can’t have a control over things When things change I really try my hardest to understand that I like to know why its changing Is it for the better? I had a friend tell me she is involved with this man, everything was going good Showing her attention, giving her his time, loyalty, and affection Then slowly things changed He doesn’t hold her hand much anymore He’s not telling her how beautiful she is He doesn’t take her on dates He doesn’t buy her gifts She even told him things are different He don’t see Or don’t care Things like that happen but it shouldn’t stay like that He should change for the better I understand life happens but things like that I have a hard time understanding I know I try not to change I like to still hold hands I like to cook for my mate I still like to dress up and look sexy for dates I understand people change, but again, you should be changing for the better I understand that chemistry changes, the affection changes, and ideas change But acting like nothing happened is unbelievable. When you first getting to know someone, you make time for them, you plan dates You have to work but when you get off you visit that person, if you don’t you call them When you date that person you want to do things with them all the time Why does that end up changing? I would want those things to get better, call me all the time, spend time with me, let’s go on better dates I want to stay up all night talking on the phone, tell me how beautiful I am. Life is never consistent but relationships should be, am I wrong? Since I have been doing tons of networking, I have been asked to give my opinion on this I wanted to write about how this happens and why To be honest, I have no freaking idea why! This is why I have had two husbands, because of the inconsistency. Women only follow what men do. The only thing I can say is, men, if you don’t want us to change then you don’t change. DiaryofDom

Letter to Him

I want to love you I really do I can not I hate that I love you You made me think I could be different That I could be the one for you I hate that I couldn’t be enough for you My love wasn’t enough My time wasn’t enough I gave you my childrens’ heart I gave you my heart I wanted to be everything to you, I wanted to be everything for you I changed my hair for you, I changed my friends for you, I changed myself for you I cried for you, I cried with you, I cried on you I also cried because of you I lifted you and your dreams up, and became your personal cheerleader I wanted to be your sun, moon, and stars I wanted to be your light I wanted to be submissive I wanted to be obedient to you I wanted my body, my heart, my smile, my love to be enough for you Now, I walk around telling myself that I will never love again I tell myself I will never be good enough for anyone I tried everything to make you happy Cooked all your favorite foods Cleaned for you I carried your children When I was weak I still became the strong one for you I was the one who told you do start your business I was the one pushing you to reach your talents I took you back time and time again You broke my heart so many times but I still made love to you when you wanted it I let you kiss my lips after you told me a lie I smiled in pictures even when I cried at night I told you I loved you even when the love was long gone I dressed up and still wanted to look good, because you looked good Other men wanted me and I said no because I made a vow to you Did you do the same for me? I didn’t look at other men with lust out of respect for our marriage Did you do the same for me with those woman? I found out you had a baby before we had kids together, I thought my life was over I thought I could never look at you the same Or trust you the same I opened my legs and heart to give you the daughter you always wanted I know that’s why you broke, left me, because I couldn’t give the little girl I would dream how she would look Toasted brown skin Big eyes like yours Afro curly hair like mine Just another reason why I couldn’t be the wife you wanted me to be I was so young, I never seen what it took to be a great wife I am broken, washed up, used and then thrown away I don’t know how to be the wife you need me to be. I need to learn to love myself I can’t love you until then I can’t get hurt again, I don’t have anything left in me Thank you for the two little boys you gave me, for the memories we did create, thank you for the love you did show to this broken little girl, thank you for the fun times we had together, the love making we did share. Thank you for being there by my side when I hit some high stones in my life. Thank you for the laughs we did have. This is my letter to my two husbands This is my letter to those beautiful men that changed my life. DiaryofDom

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