Letter to Him

I want to love you
I really do
I can not
I hate that I love you
You made me think I could be different
That I could be the one for you
I hate that I couldn’t be enough for you
My love wasn’t enough
My time wasn’t enough
I gave you my childrens’ heart
I gave you my heart
I wanted to be everything to you, I wanted to be everything for you
I changed my hair for you, I changed my friends for you, I changed myself for you
I cried for you, I cried with you, I cried on you
I also cried because of you
I lifted you and your dreams up, and became your personal cheerleader
I wanted to be your sun, moon, and stars
I wanted to be your light
I wanted to be submissive
I wanted to be obedient to you
I wanted my body, my heart, my smile, my love to be enough for you

Now, I walk around telling myself that I will never love again
I tell myself I will never be good enough for anyone
I tried everything to make you happy
Cooked all your favorite foods
Cleaned for you
I carried your children
When I was weak I still became the strong one for you
I was the one who told you do start your business
I was the one pushing you to reach your talents
I took you back time and time again
You broke my heart so many times but I still made love to you when you wanted it
I let you kiss my lips after you told me a lie
I smiled in pictures even when I cried at night
I told you I loved you even when the love was long gone
I dressed up and still wanted to look good, because you looked good

Other men wanted me and I said no because I made a vow to you
Did you do the same for me?
I didn’t look at other men with lust out of respect for our marriage
Did you do the same for me with those woman?
I found out you had a baby before we had kids together, I thought my life was over
I thought I could never look at you the same
Or trust you the same
I opened my legs and heart to give you the daughter you always wanted
I know that’s why you broke, left me, because I couldn’t give the little girl
I would dream how she would look
Toasted brown skin
Big eyes like yours
Afro curly hair like mine

Just another reason why I couldn’t be the wife you wanted me to be
I was so young, I never seen what it took to be a great wife
I am broken, washed up, used and then thrown away
I don’t know how to be the wife you need me to be.
I need to learn to love myself
I can’t love you until then
I can’t get hurt again, I don’t have anything left in me

Thank you for the two little boys you gave me, for the memories we did create, thank you for the love you did show to this broken little girl, thank you for the fun times we had together, the love making we did share. Thank you for being there by my side when I hit some high stones in my life. Thank you for the laughs we did have.

This is my letter to my two husbands
This is my letter to those beautiful men that changed my life.

DiaryofDom

He wants me, he wants me, not yet

Her heart beats so fast when he looks at her
She doesn’t just see lust, there is something else there
She can’t look away, she doesn’t want to either
He tells her he doesn’t know what is his favorite part on her body
Her brain
Her feet
Her eyes
Her smile

He touches her so softy and yet with a firmness she has never felt before
She is intoxicated with it
He likes to rub on the back of her neck, under her hairline, behind her ears
One handed
He rubs her there while watching tv, like his hand belongs there
Like he know she likes it, even though she has never told him

He loves rubbing her feet, playing with her toes, telling her how cute her nail polish looks
She has a scar on her right foot where she had to get work done on her big toe
He loves to stare at it
He loves to rub that scar
He loves to kiss it and tell her she has the most beautiful feet he has ever seen

When she is falls asleep, she can hear him saying how much he looks up to her
How she is so strong after being hurt
How she is so brave
She can feel his eyes on her, smiling, she can feel the lust, the love, the admiration
His hand rubs her side, up and down her arm, on the top of her shoulder
She can hear him say she is the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on.

She has to close her heart to anyone who comes close because she is afraid of getting hurt
She wants to be loved again but knows it takes time and healing.
There is a little light at the end of her tunnel.
She doesn’t walk towards it but she does stand there and feel the warmth that comes from it.

He wants her but he knows she is broken, hurt and in need of time to heal.
He sees her flaws and loves them
He sees she needs a listening ear and a shoulder, he won’t push her
She sees she is wanted but needs time
She sees he wants her but won’t get her, yet.

DiaryofDom

Toxic

Adjective: Poisonous

I was told I was ” target=”_blank”>toxic
I didn’t know how to take this word when I first heard it
toxic is a bad thing and no one wants it
Right?

No one wants it
Or no one wants me

There is no way toxic can be something good
No one wants something that is toxic
No one wants a friend that is toxic
Or relationship
Or job

My thoughts are toxic
My moods are toxic
My attitudes are toxic

I want to be different
I want to be someone who brings joy in your life
I want to be someone who brings a smile to your face

I have been told I am hard to love
Hard to love?
I have never heard that before
I always thought I was a uncomplicated woman
I wanted simple things in life
I want to be simply loved
How is that hard to understand?

Am I hard to love because I wanted loyalty? Or someone who is trustworthy?
Or what about someone to show me time and affection?
Does that sound like someone who is hard to love?

So now I am toxic and hard to love
Women are simple yet complex creators.
I am a simple yet complex woman
I don’t want you to build me a rocket ship and fly me to the moon
Hell, I don’t even ask you to make me a sandwich!
Give me your time, loyalty, honesty, and patience.

I am toxic because I guess I am asking for too much.

DiaryofDom

My thoughts

All I know is to be a wife.
I have been married since I was 19.
I have had a husband all my life.

I have never truly been alone
Or been on my own
I have never truly dated because I dated to get married
My last husband we dated for over three years before we got married
In that 6 months I was doing everything a wife would do.

I never gave myself time to heal after my first husband
I should have waited
Now I’m not with my second husband
So I need to heal

I was taught at a young age to become a man’s wife, have his children
Make him happy
Cook his food
Clean the house

Nothing in that said fall in love first

It’s hard to truly love a man when you don’t have a father to be your first love
It’s hard to love a man when he truly doesn’t love you

Someone told me I use my husbands as a replacement for the love I never gotten from a father

Ouch

But it’s true
Oh so true.

I gave them a role they shouldn’t have to have
They shouldn’t have to do it.

Someone also said to me that I pick men because they have mommy issues

Didn’t see it that way
They found me because I wanted to be a wife and I found them so I can do things for them.

Wow so messed up.

Who were the lucky ones here?

Diaryofdom

Compromise too much?

Compromise:
noun
an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.
2. Accept standards that are lower than is desirable.

I, Dom, have compromised so much in my life, I have forgotten who I am.

In relationships
In my religion
In friendships
In my career/work
I have always put “that, him, her, this” before my own.

I try to fit into everyone’s way of life and thinking, that I have no voice of my own
No thought of my own
No ideas that are mine
I understand that compromising is a part of life in most things
I am fully aware
But…
When I start to lose my sense of self, the things that make me: me, the things that add to my personality, then I have compromised too much.

I have always bent the rules when it comes to religion
Compromising with God!?
Yeah, it’s wrong.

I had a friendship many moons ago that had given up because I didn’t want to live the type of lifestyle she had. I was already doing what she was doing, dressing the way she dresses and talked the way she talked
I wanted something different
She didn’t
Friendship ended
I had compromised years with her, she didn’t for me.

I knew I shouldn’t have taken that job that I would hate and the pay was low
I did anyways, a job is a job right??
Five years I gave my blood, sweat and tears
A little of my sanity went with it.

Great going Dom

Relationships
Lord, knows this is a book waiting to be finished.
We all have compromised our self for our mate
Of course you have
I have
I have always been more attracted to darker, plump, tall men
Neither one of my husbands are those
Said I would never kiss a smoker
Did that
I was shocked I didn’t mind at all
I have fried, dyed, cut, my hair for my man more times then a girl should
I have given up my favorite foods because he don’t like them
Cut friends off because he didn’t like them
I always said I would never give my man another chance after he cheated
Two husbands later….

Five damn times…

I said I would never give so much of myself that I would lose who I really am.

Let’s just say all I really know about myself at this point is that I like wine, chocolate, books, and coffee.
And that I am never compromising shit else.

DiaryofDom