My thoughts

All I know is to be a wife.
I have been married since I was 19.
I have had a husband all my life.

I have never truly been alone
Or been on my own
I have never truly dated because I dated to get married
My last husband we dated for over three years before we got married
In that 6 months I was doing everything a wife would do.

I never gave myself time to heal after my first husband
I should have waited
Now I’m not with my second husband
So I need to heal

I was taught at a young age to become a man’s wife, have his children
Make him happy
Cook his food
Clean the house

Nothing in that said fall in love first

It’s hard to truly love a man when you don’t have a father to be your first love
It’s hard to love a man when he truly doesn’t love you

Someone told me I use my husbands as a replacement for the love I never gotten from a father

Ouch

But it’s true
Oh so true.

I gave them a role they shouldn’t have to have
They shouldn’t have to do it.

Someone also said to me that I pick men because they have mommy issues

Didn’t see it that way
They found me because I wanted to be a wife and I found them so I can do things for them.

Wow so messed up.

Who were the lucky ones here?

Diaryofdom

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Compromise too much?

Compromise:
noun
an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.
2. Accept standards that are lower than is desirable.

I, Dom, have compromised so much in my life, I have forgotten who I am.

In relationships
In my religion
In friendships
In my career/work
I have always put “that, him, her, this” before my own.

I try to fit into everyone’s way of life and thinking, that I have no voice of my own
No thought of my own
No ideas that are mine
I understand that compromising is a part of life in most things
I am fully aware
But…
When I start to lose my sense of self, the things that make me: me, the things that add to my personality, then I have compromised too much.

I have always bent the rules when it comes to religion
Compromising with God!?
Yeah, it’s wrong.

I had a friendship many moons ago that had given up because I didn’t want to live the type of lifestyle she had. I was already doing what she was doing, dressing the way she dresses and talked the way she talked
I wanted something different
She didn’t
Friendship ended
I had compromised years with her, she didn’t for me.

I knew I shouldn’t have taken that job that I would hate and the pay was low
I did anyways, a job is a job right??
Five years I gave my blood, sweat and tears
A little of my sanity went with it.

Great going Dom

Relationships
Lord, knows this is a book waiting to be finished.
We all have compromised our self for our mate
Of course you have
I have
I have always been more attracted to darker, plump, tall men
Neither one of my husbands are those
Said I would never kiss a smoker
Did that
I was shocked I didn’t mind at all
I have fried, dyed, cut, my hair for my man more times then a girl should
I have given up my favorite foods because he don’t like them
Cut friends off because he didn’t like them
I always said I would never give my man another chance after he cheated
Two husbands later….

Five damn times…

I said I would never give so much of myself that I would lose who I really am.

Let’s just say all I really know about myself at this point is that I like wine, chocolate, books, and coffee.
And that I am never compromising shit else.

DiaryofDom

Broken

Broken:
adjective
1.
having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order.
2.
(of a person) having given up all hope; despairing.
https://www.dictionary.com/browse/broken

I’m broken, I push men away, I shut them out. I have a hard time letting people in. When they try to be in my life, I show them they shouldn’t.

Ray wants to be in my life, to give me his friendship, I fight with him, I tell him I’m not worth the time. I am mean, I hurt his feelings. I push him away. He knows I need a friend that will love me for me, he loves my flaws and sees my tears. He still wants to be a part of my life.

I close my heart to anyone who wants to get in. I don’t like letting people in, I don’t like depending on people. When I lean on people I lean hard, they don’t like it. So, then I push them away.
My girls are different, they understand me because they have the same struggles, they know when I don’t text them back I need some time to myself and they text me saying I am here when you need me.

Men are different
If I don’t text them right back they throw me away
I can’t get a day or two to think?
No
They like screw you.

So I push them away.

Men don’t want me because I am messed up in the head

Having no male example in my life will do that.
I have had to learn from my husbands, and well, most of us know how that turned out…

I had a meeting with this man for my research piece on “Addictions for a Black Man”. He shared with me that women close themselves off to see how hard that man will work to break down that wall.
Okay……??
How is that a bad thing?

He said if I put that same wall we put up would I work to break it down?

Damn

That hit a nerve

I said it’s not our job to do that.
He said why not, you don’t think we hurt? Are we not hurting? We don’t want to get our heart broken too?

I didn’t see it like that.
Women build walls, then expect the man who wants her to tear them down.
I am that woman.
I can’t help it, I’ve been hurt so the only way to protect myself is block them out.
It’s not their job to tear the wall down, it’s mine
I know this
But I still expect them to.
Is that wrong of me?

I don’t want to hurt Ray, he is trying, I don’t want to be mean, I told him I am trying, don’t push my friendship away, but, men always leave me.

See, broken.

DiaryofDom

Friendship: Part Two

Friendships of the good: are based on mutual respect and admiration. These friendships take longer to build than the other two kinds–but they’re also more powerful and enduring. They often arise when two people recognize that they have similar values and goals; that they have similar visions for how the world (or at least their lives) should be. Not infrequently, they begin in childhood, adolescence or college–though plenty form after that, too.
https://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/a4028/friendships-aristotle-utility-ethics-lifestyles/

Friendships shouldn’t be one sided, both parties should put as much work into the relationship as the next.

I am 33 now, I am making new friends, we have met on social media, from volunteering, even one I have known since third grade, some other ones I won’t name because of their privacy, others I’m not naming because we are still developing a friendship.
Please don’t get into your feelings if I dont name you.

Karen
Timothy
Roger
Julie

You four have each impacted my life so well. I love talking to you. We have had some very creative conversations. I love each and everyone of you. Thank you for having my back and corner.

Now, Julie, you are the newest friend for me, our talks are bomb.com! When you, Karen and I hook up, we will have too much fun! Thank you for coming into my life and letting me come into yours. I don’t feel overwhelmed with you at all and I look forward to our chats and bonfires. Love you!

Karen: Girl, my sis for life! I love you lady! I think we might go a day without talking but even if we send each other readings, podcasts, or articles, I’m still amazed how our friendship has grown. Thank you for saying hi first!

Timothy: I promise you I’m going to kick you if you call my sister hot again! (LOL) You fell in love with my mind because you didn’t have my body. I never understood why you would watch me for hours while in school, not saying a word, just watched me work. That was you pushing me, now, I have two degrees. Thank you for never using me. You met me when I was young and broken, now that I am older and still broken, you have never changed. Thank you. I love you. Thank you for being my best friend. You wrote this to me, “You can be sweet, quiet little nerd, then pow, you are a sexual goddess….you know I get lost in those eyes and smile, you hypnotized me.”

Roger: I can’t believe we have known each other for so long. My oldest and dearest friend. Sitting next to you, in third grade was the best thing ever in school that happened to me. We don’t talk everyday, but the beauty in our relationship is that we don’t need to because we have always been a part of each other’s life. I love you babe.

I am in a stage in my life where I need some extra shoulders, my life is changing, and I need people who have my back.
These are them.

If you don’t have some like I do, I’m sorry.
Get you some people’s
You just can’t have mine

DiaryofDom

Friendship: Part One

“Friendships are relationships that involve two very critical dimensions – interdependence and voluntary participation,” explains Northern Illinois University psychologist and friendship expert Dr. Suzanne Degges-White
Studies have shown that having friends can actually prolong your life. KLAUS VEDFELT
https://people.howstuffworks.com/what-is-friendship.htm

Growing up friendship has been always easy for me, I would just start talking to a person
Boom friendship
Man
Woman
Doesn’t matter if we had a friendship.
I am in my 30’s now, and I don’t know a thing about friendship.
It’s so much easier in high school.

So many factors that play apart into have a friend:
Gender
Goal oriented
Relationship stats
Religion
If you have a family

When I had my first divorce I had friends drop like flies, they are all still married, they told me they couldn’t stay friends with someone who isn’t married anymore.
When I got remarried my single friends didn’t understand, and the old married friends still didn’t want anything to do with me.

I couldn’t win.
I needed friends that would love me for when I was single or married.
I have been told I am too playful, too serious, too religious, not religious enough, too needy, too fat, not fat enough, not black enough, and my personal favorite, I think I’m better than other people.
Ouch
Right in the crotch
I am a people pleaser, I can adapt to personalities and people vibes very easily.
I can be a bit outgoing but I know when to listen and be still.
I always valued how well of a friend I am, I remember bdays, anniversaries, kids bdays, make sure I always answer text less than 5 mins, answer calls, make time for hanging out.
Giving gifts
Having a listening ear
Giving advice
Praying with you or for you
I have always been proud of my ability to be a great friend
Sadly, I have not had that in return.
I want a love in my friendship where they need me as much as I need them.
You are a part of my family as much as I am a part of theirs.
Our kids are friends
Our men are friends
Our neighbors know you
We have keys to our places
Our disagreements are healthy conversations
We make goals in our friendships
If one of us come up we all come up

I always wanted a friendship when they couldn’t wait to talk to me next time.

Men
Women

I love people and I think it’s very closed minded if you only have one have gender of race for a friendships
I have always thought it was weird to have all girl friends, they might be able to help with every issue in life, but it’s something about keeping a man in your life.

Having all men as your friends doesn’t have all the perks as well. There are tons I would need the ladies for.

Both genders have uses for friendships.
Do you have all women friends or men?
Both?

I have a second part to this, sit tight.

DiaryofDom